I love listicles (spell check wanted to change that to testicles). So, here is a listicle of what they (doctors, your mother, friends, etc.) don’t tell you post pregnancy:
1. You will have at least one thick and unruly chin hair. It will never thin.
2. For about six weeks after, you will feel phantom baby flutters. They. Are. So. Creepy.
3. Your hormones won’t regulate for a year.
4. Your taste preferences change slightly. I had no idea I’d have a permanent taste aversion for tomato juice. I USED to love tomato juice and a nice Bloody Mary.
5. Your once thick and shiny hair follicles will R.I.P. in the drain. And that chin hair will stay. Sigh.
6. The immediate maternal love you felt in the hospital will evolve into a panic once you bring L.O. home. Wait, the nurses aren’t part of the package?!
7. People will treat you like an alien or returning war hero, depending on the company. Nope, I’m still the same person, even with a child.
8. You get a SHIT ton of advice. 75% is subjective, antiquated, and useless.
9. You will learn to poop, shower, shave, eat, drink, walk, cough, fart, and pee with someone attached to your hip.
10. Some things, like stretch marks and the “mask of pregnancy” will never go away. I was able to dodge the stretch marks, but my skin has forever changed into a mosaic, accentuated by dark bags. Make friends with the tube of concealer.