Ex Files: Gingerbeard and Sparkling Tassles

tasslesI took a chance online again and planned a date with a bearded ginger, who sent witty, little text messages. He asked if I would be interested in a risqué holiday show. A burlesque show to be a little “different.” Uhh…ok…

We met at a bar across the street before the show. He told me he was a medical examiner, spending his time analyzing and working crime scenes, performing autopsies. He reveled in stories of liquified remains over crab cakes and fried calamari. This might horrify the average layman, but I love a good horror story. The only problem- aside from his job- he was milquetoast. Ginger milquetoast. Pun intended.

So, my ho-hum date and I sauntered into an almost completely bare, converted movie theater with a haphazard stage. Other than our Dexter-esque conversation, our common interests started to diverge. Quite frankly, I know we talked about something, but I can’t for the life of me recall what it was. That’s the impression I was left pondering: Meh.

Thankfully, the dimming of theater lights silenced our awkward conversation. A pleasantly plump 50’s-style MC took the stage and gave her best attempt at some off-color Christmas jokes (aka. we have some very naughty, sugar PLUM fairies bouncing around stage this evening…). The show was a fundraiser for Toys-for-Tots (I don’t have time to go into the inappropriateness of the cause juxtaposed against the naked backdrop of scantily clad “body positive” women, or women with curves).

Disclaimer: I think being “body positive” is a great concept. Love your curves. I’m with you all the way! However, with that being said, I don’t necessarily want to see body positivity in all of its tit tassel glory.

Act One-Sugar Plum Fairy: A woman in fairy wings blowing glitter into the audience as she disrobed and danced in ballet shoes. At the climax of the song (pun not intended), she revealed swinging tittie tassels and an almost see-through underwear (evoke Brittney Spears nude body suit).

Act Two-40’s-Style Crooner: Adorned in a discount, salmon prom dress and faux-fur shawl, this prize lip sang to Buddy Holiday. Pulling her gloves with her teeth and showing off her garter belt was one of the more jaw-dropping parts of this act. She turned her back to the audience, slowly pulling down her prom dress zipper. It snagged. Ughh. Then she pulled rest of the dress down to her ankles to reveal a Spanx body suit, slowly turning to the audience, cupping her “plums.” The lights faded to black. Bahhhh humbuuuggghhh!

Act Three- Ralphy From A Christmas Story: One of the most inappropriate and terrifying of the acts (wait, there’s more), a woman in a blond Ralphy wig and black-rimmed glasses hopped on stage in a fuzzy pink bunny suit (if you haven’t seen the movie, the horror still won’t be lost). A Furries’ delight. The musical score was a mash-up of the movie’s Bunny Suit dialogue and the Ralph’s Bee-Bee Gun Fantasy. She slowly pulled the zipper of the bunny suit to reveal a cowboy outfit and snagged a cowboy hat carefully placed on a nearby stool. We saw her gallop around stage, scantily clad, glorious belly and all, to the music, unhooking her bra and revealing a huge set of knockers. And boy did they knock. As she whipped them around in circular fashion, bright blue streamers blinded our senses. I silently prayed a bee-bee gun WOULD shoot my eye out.

Act Four- Ghost of Christmas Future: The sugar plum fairy graced the stage again, but this time in grim reaper garb. The musical score was whimsical and didn’t match her angry grim reaper gaze and skeleton face paint. It looked like a misplaced Halloween costume.

Act Five- The Nutcracker: A disturbing, shirtless nutcracker solider with a missing tooth (obviously because he just cracked a nut?) used three candy canes (really just three sticks with red and white masking tape) to juggle the third stick. He dropped the juggling cane a few times. Oh well, it’s amateur hour. Oddly enough, he took nothing off. But he did have a nice pair of red, glittery nips.

Act Six- The Nightmare Before Christmas Doll: Anything having to do with nudity and a Christmas childhood past time is beyond CREEPY. Thankfully, this was the last act. They saved the creepiest for last (did you really think otherwise?). The doll had a pair of black and white thigh highs and bloomers under a Christmas inspired dress. She pranced around as seductively as an adult acting like a child would, turning away from the audience to show her bloomers as she played with her dolly and bouncy ball. The most awkward part was when she unzipped the back of her dress, exposing her….wait for it…tittie tassels. REEEECHHHHHHH.

Worse. First. Date. Ever.

In fact, worse date ever.

Apparently, from the text I received from Gingerbeard the next day, he had a great time.

I never responded.

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