10 Reasons You’re Getting A Lump Of Coal This Christmas (Or Bag of Flaming Sh*t)

WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND CHRISTMAS-SHAMING AHEAD

coal

1.) You constantly complain about Christmas preparations. Gift giving. Shopping. Money problems. Holiday baking. Hanging up lights. Watering the tree. Pine needles on your carpet. Ornament making. Taking down the tree. Bitch, bitch, bitch Grinch.

2.) Your presents are all gift cards. Not just lame. LAAMMMMEEE.

3.) You mass-mail holiday cards with a family photo montage. No one needs more snail mail clutter! Send an e-Card. Blog it. Or a simple text will do.

4.) You blind your neighbors with Christmas lights, as in NASA can see your house from space.

5.) You give the best, most expensive gifts that make everyone else feel bad. A Tiffany 50-piece dining room set in crystal for mom? Fuck. You.

6.) You make passive-aggressive comments about not hosting/hosting Christmas this year. As in, “At my house we always do XYZ,” or “Here we wait until 9 a.m. sharp to open presents.” RE-LAX.

7.) Every other word at work is “Merry Christmas!” “Oh by the way, Merry Christmas!” “Did I wish you a Merry Christmas? No? Okay Merry Christmas!” Yes, we know, Christmas is upon us.

8.) Similar to #7, you rant about how Santa Claus has created a secularized society and that our forefathers of this great, Christian nation are rolling in their graves knowing the reason for the season has been lost on today’s youth.

9.) You sing Mariah Carey-inspired carols door-to-door. Ugh. Go away. You guys suck.

10.) You own a white, plastic or tinseled tree adorn in blue ornaments or some other tacky ensemble. #ChristmasNightmareonElmSt.

Okay, I’m cheating and adding another:

11.) You have reindeer antlers on your car or a Santa in sunglasses tobogganing down your rear windshield.

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