Old School Mommy “Add-VICE”

oldschool1My mom is a little old school. Some of her “tips” sound more like “vices.” Others are too ridiculous to contemplate.

Here are some of her most ridiculous old school mommy musings:

1.) Fast food- Her: Give him a french fry. He wants what mommy’s eating.

Me: How about not! I don’t need trans fat mommy guilt.

2.) Mommy “Me” Time- Her: Alone time doesn’t exist after you have a child. Otherwise don’t have a baby. Don’t you feel guilty?

Me: No guilt here. How am I supposed to function without my alone time? Um, didn’t you have your lone, “shopping time” when I was a kid…?

3.) Visitation- Her: If it were me, he [my ex] would be lucky to have the holidays and there would be no overnights. A baby this young needs to be with his mother at all times.

Me: Okay, if it were you then I guess I’d be visiting you at a women’s penitentiary.

4.) Teething- Her: I used to rub bourbon on your gums. You turned out okay!

Me: Ah, thanks but no thanks. I like to keep my baby sober at all times.

5.) Naps- Her: You need to keep him on a regular nap schedule whether he likes it or not. Put him down and let him cry himself to sleep.

Me: I think many retirement communities have this same policy for the elderly. In fact, isn’t it past your nap time mom?

Her: [Silence]

And that’s why you’re the grandparent :-).

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