1.) Creepers! Ugh, it’s a variable breeding ground. I’m talking about those shirtless, headless, hotel bathroom selfie profiles. Please. Just wear a shirt. Or the guy with the serial killer grin. Or the webcam close-up creep. Or the guy lying in his bed.
2.) My Pictures. Trying to decide if your pictures are diverse. Are you too serious? Are you not serious enough? Do you look creepy? Is this one too sexy? What’s your best angle? How many pictures are enough? Is there a 50/50 split of close ups and “body” shots?
3.) Swiping left. My thumb is tired. How will swiping pictures based solely on physical attraction land a better match? How could 1,345 people possibly “like” my profile? And why should I need to pay to see the list…?
4.) Online Sponsored Meet-and-Greets. How idiotic. No, I don’t want to pay for one massive blind date to taste wine. That’s called a bar on an average Saturday night
5.) Views or Flirts. Don’t “view” or “flirt” with me fifty times and expect a response. Just send me a friggen’ message.
6.) Dumb “matching” questions. Would you rather be mauled by a tiger or drown in a sinking ship? What sounds worse, a baby crying or a cat dying? Who make better husbands, gay or straight men? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Hate. Them. All.
7.) Geo-location. It may be a stalker’s dream, but I find this a disturbing trend in our “hook up” culture. What happened to planning dates like normal people?
8.) Activity streams. I really don’t care about when you updated your profile or what you’re doing right now. Chances are it’s nothing that cool since you wouldn’t be on a dating site if you were doing something awesome.
9.) When You’re “Online.” Again, a dream for stalkers but I don’t need people to know when I’m online. And no, I’m not free to randomly meet you out right now.
10.) Their Pictures. Nothing screams TRYING TOO HARD better than a picture of one man among five girls at a bar. Nothing screams LOSER better than a profile picture of your souped-up motorcycle or car. Or a guy wearing a suit taking a selfie in the BATHROOM. Stop it with the bathroom selfies…seriously…