I just read an article that CHAPPED my ass. I mean really chapped to the fact I feel like moisturizer is necessary.
Granted, “Ms. Debra Macleod is a YourTango Expert and couples’ mediator turned relationship author-expert who uses her extensive training, experience and skill set to help individuals and couples save their relationships, avoid divorce and make positive changes to their family and personal lives,” has a hidden agenda= by her books $$$.
Here are some of the most offensive examples of her “advice,” which she titles, “Kids Are Resilient and 7 Other Lies Divorcing Parents Should Stop Believing” :
1. My kids want me to be happy.
Macleod advice: No, your kids want their biological mom and dad to get their act together, behave like grownups, and create a stable, happy home for them. Kids are focused on their own happiness and childhood gives them that privilege.
Me: Yes, because constant arguments, verbal abuse and staying in a loveless marriage is “healthy” and reinforces a healthy childhood.
2. My kids will be better off.
Macleod advice: Probably not. Research shows that children of divorce experience higher rates of emotional and behavioral problems. They are also more likely to experience poverty and mistreatment, whether it is outright abuse or cruel indifference, from an unrelated adult in the home.
Me: Research also shows that children in blended families adapt well as long as the family is healthy, non-toxic and open communication is encouraged. Single parent homes are also on the rise, and yield very happy, functional children.
4. My relationship with my children won’t change.
Macleod advice:Yes, it will. A parent who does not live under the same roof as his or her child cannot have the same stature or influence in that child’s life as a parent who does. Whether it’s a 2 a.m. nightmare or a house fire, you’re simply not there to do your job. Regardless of the reason for the divorce, chances are good that at some point, your child will resent you for breaking up the family unit. Even worse, your child will likely blame him/herself, rationalizing that he/she was not “lovable” enough for the biological parents to work through their problems.
Me: This is temporary. I argue kids will resent you more after seeing years of mistreatment and having to endure the heartache of battling parents. The home then becomes a battlefield, not a safe place to form happy childhood memories.
8. Kids are resilient and will adapt to the new situation.
Macleod advice:Think this won’t affect them in the long-term? Kids don’t adapt … they make do. When you break up their home or bring your new love interests into their life, they hunker down emotionally and do their best to cope. Like it or not, you have taught them that love is unreliable. As adults, children of divorce are more likely to also be divorced and break up their own families. Of course, divorce isn’t always a bad thing. It’s the best course of action in some cases, such as abuse, unmanaged personality disorders and infidelity, to name a few. There are rare cases where one spouse is entirely at fault and where kids are better off having a destructive or dangerous parent out of their home or even out of their life. But the fact is, most broken homes are caused by two self-focused, short-sighted adults who wallow in their own misery and rancor for each other, instead of keeping their promises to work through their problems—to put their spouse’s needs ahead of their own and to see conflict from his or her point of view; to put their obligations as parents above their own pettiness as partners and to do whatever it takes to bring happiness back into their marriage and home.
Me: Rare cases? Are you f*cking kidding me??? So all single parents must be self focused, short sighted adults who would rather wallow in their own misery. No, single parents make the tough decisions to separate for their children because they put their KID’S happiness before their own. And romantic love is unreliable while parent-child love is unconditional. Happiness isn’t guaranteed just because you’re trying to work through your marriage. Unless you live an idealized world, free of verbal and emotional abuse. How dare you call a single parent self-focused and short-sighted you nit-wit!
Macleod’s bottom line to parents: Suck it up you good for nothing narcissists and work it out! Your kids should live in an illusion where real life, aka heartbreak, isn’t allowed to be felt or talked about and where hiding your true problems and feeling are encouraged. And by taking my training sessions and reading my books, you too can perpetuate 1800’s style marital unhappiness.
Ugh go soak your head in a bucket of ice cold water Macleod and come back to reality. Once you sell your books, of course.
Courage: Here’s to the rational adults who made the hard decision to separate because it was best for their child/children’s mental well being.