A Few Safety Tips Before You Ride The Emotional Roller Coaster: How The Hot Hipster Became A Hot Mess

The reason I love blogging so much is that it records the promises you keep to yourself. This post is a perfect example of learning, maturing, refusing to make the same mistakes and never settling for less than you deserve.

So before I take you on my emotional roller coaster ride of the last month, here are some safety tips:

  1. Keep all emotion and confusion inside the ride at all times.
  2. Make sure your “vulnerability” safety harness is secured before the ride begins.
  3. Please note that there will be several high drops.
  4. Enjoy the ride while it lasts, but know that we have very few repeat riders.

So, now that we understand the safety procedures, here we go:

Before we began our exclusive relationship, Hipster literally wined and dined me. He brought me flowers on our lunch date, he cooked me a wonderful dinner, he made large pronouncements such as calling me “love,” “future life partner,” “stunning” and that we would be a “power couple.” I even helped him think of ideas for promoting his catering business. It all seemed idyllic, even with the red flags of living with a slightly unhinged female roommate and the weird relationship with his ex wife, who he said was still “waiting for him.”

After we became “official,” I noticed the romancing started to fade. It seemed that because he had “won” my affections, the charade of wooing was no longer as important. Questions about my life and inquiries  about my dreams and life experiences faded into the background and were replaced by his obsession over his business and interests in wealth accumulation. Every conversation began and ended with his stories, frustrations and feelings. It was a one-sided start to a once promising relationship.

Then came the insistence on unsafe sex- something I was definitely opposed to. I was made to feel guilty about not taking birth control (the pill reeks havoc on my body). I also didn’t want an IUD because of the horror stories I’ve heard from friends. Hipster was frustrated that I preferred condoms because his sexual experience was more important than being safe.

The next disagreement ensued last Friday. He refused to talk about my feelings on birth control, but I eventually agreed to go to the doctor for a prescription. He also let me in on the fact that while he was married, his wife gave him a “hall pass” to “improve their relationship,” which he used and wasn’t opposed to repeating in future relationships. I nearly walked out on him until he stopped me to say “I was just joking.” When I left early Saturday morning, I thought we were on the same footing. I clearly was wrong. For four days he ghosted me, citing that he was too busy. Fine. Last night I sent him a text asking for us to talk about a few concerns. He called me on his way to an event. The conversation went something like this:

Hipster: So what do you want to talk about? When you send a message that you “want to talk,” it’s never good.

Me: Well, I just feel like you’ve been so scalding hot and then so icy cold these past few days and I want to understand what’s been going on.

Hipster: I’m busy! I can’t just text you every hour on the hour when I’m working. When I’m not working, I’m freer to text.

Me: Okay. I just feel like there’s been a sharp atmospheric change between us.

Hipster: I have to say, that for lack of a better term, you’re just trying to nag me and frankly it’s off putting.

Me: I’m just trying to tell you how I feel. If that’s nagging to you than you’re misusing the term.

Hipster: I’m on my way to an event and my energy has now completely changed, so thanks.

Me: If you’re energy has changed, that’s about you, not me wanting to talk.

Hipster. Well, I guess we both need to do some pondering “about us” and what we want. I need to go. You have a nice night, Penny.” [Click].

Yes, he hung up on me. Just like that.

So I pondered. And pondered. Not only was Hipster a poor communicator (kind of a non-starter in my relationships) he was also selfish. I decided I didn’t need to be with someone who wouldn’t be able to stick through the tough times or disagreements. As you’ve probably gathered from my blog, I’m no waif. I am strong and independent and have no time for men who treat their women with disregard and disrespect. Been there, done that.

So I decided to end it with this:

Text Part 1

Text Part 1

Text Part 2

Text Part 2

I never received a response, and I’m okay with that. I allowed myself about 12 hours to feel upset and disappointed. I then deleted his number and information. I want it to be a clean break, even if the shelf life was for one month.

I leave you all feeling optimistic. In my heart, I know I did the right thing for me. In the end, all I can do is love and protect myself and Andrew. I owe it to him to be with a partner who will respect his mother.

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Bruce Jenner “Breaks The Internet” With A Better Message

After his infamous Diane Sawyer interview, Bruce Jenner “Broke The Internet” in a more empowering and meaningful way than Kim K’s nasty, well-oiled ass on Paper Magazine. I have to say that I am proud of him (which I will now refer to “her” out of well-deserved respect).

As courageous and brave as Bruce is, I hate to say that her daughters are seriously lacking in a positive female role model who respects their bodies and channels their talents (?) in an intellectual capacity. Bruce is an extremely emotionally and socially intelligent human being. I can only hope that after her transition to female, she can help her daughters realize their potential is not the sum of their body parts, because the current matriarch, Kris, loves to objectify her own kids for some quick cash. Heaven help us if Bruce starts to take the fashion advice from Kylie’s overblown lips and Kim’s questionable, platinum blond locks; furry, spider eyelash beauty tips; and sheer fashion choices.

In contrast to Kim’s gratuitous ass and tits image (Yeah, Kim we all know. We’ve seen the movie), Kim’s message is: “Just because you’re a mother, doesn’t mean you can’t still be sexy; so embrace your body.” It doesn’t resonate with the common woman because we don’t have 300+ beauty staff and another 100 fashion consultants, nor would we want to narcissistically post selfies ever hour on the hour. We have more important things to do like learning, teaching, reading, pursuing career goals, etc.

Bruce is authentic and actually wants to help people by telling her story. I found her interview to be authentic, non-scripted and a heartbreaking story of a biological male so pressured by society she was forced to wear a false mask for 65 years. That must be hell-on-Earth.

Bruce is still being dubbed as part of the Kardashian Machine (KM), hocking his docu-series on her transition. But I don’t see it as another KM ploy. Her documentary will show a very emotional process and shed light for others to make more informed decisions on their gender identities.

My hope is that this dialogue moves from “gender dysphoria” to “gender actualization.” Dysphoria implies sadness and depression of one’s gender identity. Actualization implies that those in transition are in the process of reaching their new potential and embracing their natural self as the gender they wish to live.

Bruce Jenner deserves our comBruce-Jenner-Has-Dreamed-of-Becoming-a-Woman-for-20-Years-Insider-Claims-461962-2passion, love, understanding and support. I wish her all the best!

5 Life Lessons From Judge Judy

I’m a BIG fan of Judge Judy Scheindlin. She holds everyone accountable for their actions and while others may waffle, she’s black and white on issues. Furthermore, no one gets away with their dumbass explanations and she’s not afraid to expose the fool. We should all take a page from her book, even if our delivery is a bit…nicer…

Lessons I’ve Learned From Judge Judy:

1. Don’t rest on your laurels or beauty. Get educated!

http://www.aol.com/article/2015/04/24/why-judge-judy-wears-a-lace-collar-in-the-courtroom/21176061/?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl9|sec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D-1583432631

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http://www.aol.com/article/2015/04/24/why-judge-judy-wears-a-lace-collar-in-the-courtroom/21176061/?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl9|sec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D-1583432631

aol.com

2. Do I look like I was born yesterday? If it sounds and smells like shit, it’s shit, so don’t bury your head in it.

knowyourmeme.com

knowyourmeme.com

3. Are you listening or just waiting for your turn to talk? If you’re just waiting to talk, you’re probably going to sound like an idiot.

pinterest.com

pinterest.com

4. Liars are easy to spot.

judgejudyfan.com

judgejudyfan.com

5. Laugh at fools.

collegecandy.com

collegecandy.com

Kimberly Allers Forgives Almost $40K in Child Support: I Have One Huge Problem With Her Argument!

New York Times Photo Credit

New York Times Photo Credit

For all interested in the issue of child support, I recommend reading this article the New York Times showcased “Forgiving $38,750 in Child Support, for My Kids’ Sake.”

There are many things that I agree and disagree with Ms. Aller’s article.

Things I Agree With:

  • “We have too often reduced nonresidential fathers to being weighed and judged by a financial transaction. If you don’t pay, you’re a “dead beat.” End of one story, beginning of a new one, one that can mean suspended drivers’ licenses and professional licenses, seized bank deposits and tax refunds, and the very real risk of jail time.” I agree that financial support is one facet of the value of fathers, however the law does not deal in subjectivity and intangibles. This is a weakness of the legal system and social services.
  • “Studies prove that school-age children of involved fathers have better academic success, higher grade point averages and go on to have higher levels of economic and educational achievement. We focus on money, when “child support” also means emotional support, academic support and the supportive power of a male influence in a child’s life. Negating that value is dangerous to our children. Regardless of what I think of him, my children love their father and doing my part to keep that feeling alive is priceless to me.” Again, I agree with this premise. Children do far better when they feel love and spend time with both parents. Plenty of visitation time between fathers and their children should be the norm, not the exception. Parents who engage in parental alienation by trying to circumvent visitation should be punished harshly.
  • “In the seven years since my divorce, my ex-husband (or “wasband” as I like to call him) has always given our children his time, whether he had money or not. He currently makes payments to me directly when he is able.”  I think that’s great, however this woman should have established a parenting plan with a low, base amount with direct payment to the mother and allowed the judge to sign it, rather than getting Child Support Enforcement (CSE) involved. CSE only gets involved when you submit a case. In many states, this is a viable option.

Things I Disagree With:

  • “I’m financially stable now. I’m lucky to be able to forgive the arrears, but it is money I would likely never see anyway. Hanging onto that debt is like hanging onto other things that went wrong for us, and it gets in the way of what’s best for our children. It will have been three hours and $38,750 well spent.” This is the crux of my disagreement in Ms. Aller’s argument: that this woman is “lucky to be able to forgive arrears, but it is money I would likely never see anyway.” This money DOES NOT BELONG TO THE HER. By definition, child support is for the children, where the custodial parent acts as a responsible party to help pay for things that are in the best interest of the child. The woman who writes this article fails to realize that her spouse bilked almost $40,000 from his child, not his ex wife. That’s a pretty nice chunk of change that could go to a college education.

All other arguments were mostly concrete until I read that the judge actually agreed to forgiving her child’s much needed support. The decision is for her to make as the responsible party, however I don’t think she acted in the best interest of her child, even though her intentions sound honorable. She misunderstood the entire premise of child support- better named “the child’s support.”

I don’t believe criminalizing men who are unable to pay versus unwilling to pay is the answer, however the law deals with compliance and fairness, not emotions, for a reason. Asking the judge if they could create a parenting plan that includes setting a low amount for a college trust fund would have been a better, more responsible answer to this divisive issue.

At the end of the day, child support is the CHILD’S SUPPORT and not the parent’s support. When we acknowledge and educate individuals on the difference, I hope our legal and social services will create more supportive services to custodial and noncustodial parents to favor parenting plans over Child Support Enforcement and legal battles, provided an amicable divorce/child custody arrangement.

I previously wrote about this topic here: Recalibrating The Term “Child Custody Battle”:Lessons And Tips I’ve Learned

My Close Escape From Rape: WARNING-GRAPHIC

I went to Atlantic City when I was 23 with one of my close friends at the time, Essie* (name changed). It was my birthday and wanted to do something big.

We were in a pretty posh hotel with a great rate thanks to expedia.com.

Essie and I got dressed up to the nines on our first night and toured some of the nearby clubs. The next day we laid out on the beach for most of the day. We met two Canadians who spoke fluent French- both tall and cute- offering us Coronas.

One of the guys instantly took a liking to me and the two men were gabbing so fast it was hard to pick up some of their words under heavy Quebec accents (I studied French for three years).

Essie took control of the situation and exchanged numbers. We planned to meet up with them at the Borgata after dinner. She and I giggled like school girls, getting ready and murmuring about our good luck landing dates with two equally attractive guys.

The guys were impossibly late for our double date. Un-phased we danced to the music compilations from the late-great DJ A.M. When the guys showed up, we continued drinking on their dime, dancing with each and each other and deciding to retire to their hotel, which was only a few blocks from ours.

The guys had a nice little bar at their hotel on the beach. The hotel itself was kind of crappy but had an amazing view. The four of us played some more drinking games until about 3 a.m. I was getting tired and told Essie I wanted to head back. She had other plans. A few French words later, my date suggested he walk me the few blocks home. The guys were pretty nice so I didn’t think anything of it. I actually felt very safe. First mistake.

On our way back to my hotel, my guy told me of his friend’s intentions to sleep with Essie. He suggested we watch some TV and give the two privacy for a few hours. I wasn’t thrilled, so I texted Essie to see if she’d be home soon. She texted back quickly, “No, I think I’m staying over.”

I was now thoroughly pissed. My guy, let’s call him James, promised that he’d take the other bed and give me my space. I quietly relented. Second mistake.

When we got back to my room, I went into the bathroom and changed into some PJs. James was sitting on my bed like a gentleman. I turned on the TV and we chatted about his major and what I did for a living.

“There’s just something about you,” James said. “I wish I lived closer.”

I just smiled. This didn’t feel like a budding romance to me.

Since it was getting pretty late, I turned off the TV and crept into Essie’s bed while James disrobed into his boxers. If I’m honest about it, I thought he was like any other guy, getting comfortable before bed. Third mistake.

“Hey, Penny,” James whispered. “Are you up?”

I came to, halfway in a drowsy and drunken stupor. “What’s up?”

“Can you just lie with me? I promise I won’t do anything. I’ll be respectful.”

“Ummm why?” I asked.

“I just feel lonely,” he said, or something to that affect.

Don’t get me wrong, I WAS attracted to him, but not sure I wanted to have a fling.

I crept in his bed still fully clothed. A few moments passed in silence and he went in for a kiss. I kissed him back. Before I knew it we were making out. Maybe I was going to have a fling, I thought. Fourth mistake.

Before I knew it, his boxers were at his ankles and he was trying to unclasp my bra.

“Um do you have protection?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “Do you?”

“No,” I said.

“That sucks,” he murmured and kept kissing me.

“Well, we aren’t having sex without one,” I said determinedly.

James seemed to agree that was a good idea. We messed around a bit until something turned. James had tried to spread my legs with his and I could feel a hard bumping of his “buddy” on my thigh.

“James, I said no without a condom.”

He forced his lips harder on me and grabbed my hands. He was dry humping me, letting his member hit against me, almost penetrating.

“James!” I said and broke free of his kiss.

He kept a tight grip on my wrists, pinned above my head, pushing his dick hard against my legs. His pupils looked dilated, his face contorted in anger.

“You’re frustrating me baby,” he said.

“James!” I said louder. “I said no!”

Either he wasn’t listening or he didn’t want to listen but he forced his tongue in my mouth harder. Completely naked now, I was sure he was going to rape me.
When I twisted my arms to break free, and luckily I did, the words tumbled out of my mouth:

ARE YOU GOING TO RAPE ME?!

It was like a light switch turned on and his anger was washed away by guilt and embarrassment.

“No…no…of course not.” He released me fully and dropped to the other side of the bed.

I got off of him and told him to leave. He wouldn’t. It was about 6 a.m. in the morning and I had received a dozen calls and texts from Essie. She was on her way back.

“Essie’s coming now,” I said, hoping he’d leave.

It wasn’t until I heard the card reader click and Essie opening the door, did James put his clothes back on.

“Morning!” Essie said brightly and gave me a wink.

James quickly waved goodbye and left.

A few hours later I received a text message from him. The apology is burned into my memory. The short the apology was that he’d never forced a girl to do anything with him and that he got “too carried away in the moment.” Something tells me that’s a lie.

James left with his friend the next day. He had the audacity to try and friend me on Facebook a few weeks later. Essie had consensual sex with her guy and acted flippant when I recounted the story.

I’ve made many mistakes with that encounter. I do understand my personal responsibility for accepting a stranger into my bed. Only fate knows what could have happened had I not screamed “rape.”

That one word might have saved me a lifetime of agony.

Does Single Parenthood Make You Want To Stay At One Child Or Have More?

This is a serious question everybody.

Sometimes I feel as though I’m in the minority. After having Andrew, I’m pretty convinced I want to stick with one. My mom keeps reminding me, “When you find someone you want to marry, then you’ll change your mind.”

But will I?

I really value my freedom and put A LOT of importance on making my one life count to the fullest. I don’t get a second chance at life- I get one and I better make it the most productive/fun/happy life I can possibly create.

The cost of one child is astronomical. My biggest nightmare is to get married, have children, only to be divorced down the road and playing single mom to several more kids with no more energy to pursue my dreams.

So here’s another poll, since I’m really interested in the crowd’s opinion:

Bad Habit #345: I Overreact

I can’t help it. I mean I can, if I work on it, but the impulse is so hard to control.

I’d like to say that I am an impassioned person to justify my impulse to react, but that’s not fair.

memecreator.com

memecreator.org

I got into it with the new boyfriend over a topic near and dear to my heart- using contraceptives. I’m for, he’s against. Regardless of where you stand on the issue, I did get mad at his stubbornness and failure to see why my point of view (i.e. my accidental mom status has forever shaped my perceptions) makes me a little bit of a tyrant on the issue.

I kind of became a bit of a drama queen. I need to check that. It’s a new relationship, so I need to temper my expectations.

What Are Your Top Posts?

I believe in a little self improvement and agonize over my traffic- the posts that were read, but not commented; the posts that had more comments than readers; the old posts that warrant more revisits; and etc.

Help a girl out and post in the comments section what your top blog posts were. I’d love to see what types of content people are REALLY interested in reading.

Thanks!

What Happens When You Don’t Give Credit…

This happens to me all the time at work. I produce something really awesome and my client gets the credit. I must sit back and smile. My pay check is the last one laughing, although it stings.

So today, henceforth, I will be better with crediting photos on my blog. I’m going to add a link-back to header images and a caption for embedded media. I’m pretty sure through reblogging and commenting, I do an okay job giving others credit for their good ideas and if I borrow an idea, I link back to the original poster, but I can always do better.

weburbanist.com

weburbanist.com

Some side-effects when you don’t give credit where credit is due (whether it’s at work, at home or on a blog):

– Resentment. It might take awhile to fester, but the idea originator(s) will become a slow burning enemy(ies).

– Credibility issues. The more you borrow and fail to credit, the more people catch on that you’re kind of a con-artist. Don’t be surprised if your ship is suddenly desolate and your not really the captain anymore.

– Stale ideas. You are constantly re-purposing old content that has worked in the past. But it’s still a pig with different shades of lipstick.

– Disillusionment. Everyone is nodding or agreeing with you once in awhile, but you’re not having real conversations. You start to have this me vs. them attitude as your ego tries to absorb the blows.

Slut Shaming

Listening to some of my guy friends talk about the pantheon of girls they slayed in the past month, I thought to myself, how many guys would call a girl a slut if they overheard this conversation? Oblivious to the double standard, my guy friends did the proverbial back slap and complimented each other’s conquest.

The Myth:

Women who live a “free love” lifestyles are sluts while men who do the same are masculine and virile.

If we refuse to scrub the word “slut” out of our vocabularies, then it needs to be an equal opportunity slur. In fact, I think I called a few of my guy friends sluts while they shot back a nonplussed glance my way. I chose not to say “male slut” because I am treating this word as agnostic of gender or sex.

Until we erase this word completely, my promiscuous male counterparts, I will mercilessly slut shame the fuck out of you.

#Foodforthought