Dating Prospect Update: Sapiosexual Single Dad Postmortem

Dan arrived five minutes early and sat at the bar. It wasn’t too crowded at 8:00 pm. He looked a little older than his pictures, which I chalked up to him posting earlier pictures on the site.

He greeted me with a “Wow, you look great!” and a brief hug.

Although Dan is attractive, I still didn’t feel that instant chemistry. I had hoped that would change with time.

We grabbed Mexican-style drinks at the bar and moved to a table. Our conversation was slightly forced. His texting style was more verbose and fluid. Not what I was expecting.

After the idle chit chat about our kids and jobs we sat amused by a couple fighting at the bar. Newly engaged with a sparkling diamond on her ring finger, the girl was berating her drunk boyfriend about “having to deal with you.” His grand, drunken hand gestures only seemed to infuriate her more.

Dan and I decided to move to another bar and things became slightly more interesting. I remember discussions about our dreams and shared desire to not have more children. We also talked shop in our shared fields which was interesting.

Dan seemed to think our chemistry was in sync. I’m still not feeling it.

I’m willing to give it one last try. For all and intents and purposes, was a pretty banal date.

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Online Dating Troll Of The Week: Douche McDoucherson

After talking to a pretty attractive guy for a few days, he asked me out this weekend. I was pretty strapped for time so I suggested next Friday. He came back saying he was going to a wedding next week. He hounded me for a coffee date all weekend (which I hate!) but promised it would be no longer than an hour.

Because he was pretty attractive in his pictures and my day plans with my mother were postponed, I agreed to meet for coffee at 11:00 a.m.

Online troll Douche

I woke up a little early to blow dry my hair and get ready. At 10:50 am, I was 5 minutes away from our location. I received a text from Douche McDoucherson stating he’d be there in 45. Not seconds. 45 MINUTES.

I had practically arrived and then immediately turned around.

Me: Ok. Afraid I don’t have the time, unfortunately.

Him: Ok. Yeah, sorry about that but I thought my car was at my place, but it’s at work.

Great. He was either hung over from the night before and forgot where he parked his car OR he was lying to see how long I’d wait (PUA/red pill tactic) OR a piss poor planner OR all of the above. I didn’t respond.

Who has time to wait 45 minutes for their date to show up?!

Since my free time is precious, I treat other people’s time as important too. Oh and did I mention the man is 36? He’s a little too old for this shit in my opinion (some arrested development going on). A precursor to why he’s still single?

I NEVER wait more than 15 minutes for my dates. If a guy doesn’t value your time enough to show up on the first date, marginally on time, it’s foreshadowing other dates to come. Since this guy and I never went out on a date, he’s now one of my lovely Online Dating Trolls Of The Week and deserves a big, fat NEXT–>.

Dating Prospect: Sapiosexual Single Dad

Taking a break from some of my more “intellectual” posts on society, this post is a nice segway to the date I have planned on Saturday. He’s a single dad I’ll call sapiosexual (someone attracted to intelligence) based on our common interests. We’ve been chatting for weeks but our hectic schedules have yet to align until this weekend.

Pros:

  • Probably smarter than me. He’s what I call an uber-intellectual because every text message is a psycho-analysis of our discussion. It’s clear he’s pretty self aware.
  • He does not look like a guy in his 30s. At first I thought he’d be too young at around 24 or 23. He has a lovely baby-face.
  • Tall and attractive. Oh how I hope this is true on Saturday.
  • Independent and lives alone. After my last boyfriend, I’m happy he’s not living with a mentally unhinged female roommate. No drama please.
  • Very committed to his family. He called me when he came back from upstate New York to care for his ailing mom.
  • Single dad. I love that he has 50/50 time with his child. He totally gets me.
  • Digital marketing specialist. We can talk shop!
  • He offered to get a babysitter since it’s his weekend. Oh gosh, I’m in love!
  • He works in the same area I work. Convenient.

Cons:

  • He lives an hour away. Dating logistics are not in our favor.
  • LONNNNGGG, lengthy text messages. I’m more of a logistics texter. His texts over share and ooze emotion.
  • I’m not immediately attracted to his pictures in an animal-esque way, but then again, I’m better in person too.

I’m also talking to another guy in his mid-30’s who is incredibly attractive but I’ve been kind of burned out on the dating scene and haven’t offered a time to meet.

This is one area in my life I don’t mind taking my time.

Granny Panties Making A Come Back… Are Bloomers Next?

The New York Times got a little frisky in it’s Fashion and Style section with the article:

Young Women Say No to Thongs

The New York Times

The New York Times

Data provided by the research company NPD Group back her up. Sales of thongs decreased 7 percent over the last year, while sales of fuller styles — briefs, boy shorts and high-waist briefs — have grown a collective 17 percent.

“I noticed that a lot of women would come in with a friend, and they’d be asking: ‘Do you like this? Do you think he will like it?’ ” said Ms. Simpkins, who previously worked as a counselor to young girls at McLean Hospital, a psychiatric hospital in Belmont, Mass. “They’d be thinking about everyone else but themselves,” an attitude she thought the store encouraged. She was also frustrated with how many trends, colors and frills the lingerie industry pushed each season.

“Most women just want something basic for every day that will make them look and feel good,” she said.

So, in December, Ms. Simpkins introduced an underwear line with just one design: a white cotton panty with an unusually high cut and narrow back. The name, Hello Beautiful, is meant as an affirmation. She already counts Chloë Sevigny, an arbiter of all things cool, as a fan.

Fuller styles are a welcome alternative for Myla Dalbesio, a size 10 underwear model. “The high-waisted and high-cut styles hark back to a time when different body shapes were in style,” she said, adding that many larger women find high-rise briefs flattering because they define the waist and cover areas a woman may be less comfortable with.

Ms. Dalbesio said she was hopeful that the greater diversity of offerings was a sign that the lingerie industry is beginning to recognize that “there is not one ‘ideal body,’ but a plethora of them.”

In the end, it is about options.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be more traditionally sexy and wearing a thong; that doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist,” Ms. Toledano said. “This is a step toward embracing more variety in what’s offered.”

So ladies, I guess granny panties aren’t just for that time of the month anymore- they’re a fashion statement!

“Single Mom” Vocabulary: Harmful, Helpful Or Just Fact?

I started this blog with every intention on “owning” my single motherhood. I found it difficult (and still find it difficult) to label myself as a single mother because of all the social stigmas that say single mothers are women with the following attributes (some of which are based on credible and non-credible statistics, studies or outdated, but long-held beliefs):

  • Divorced (because they couldn’t keep a man), single mother-by-choice (because they couldn’t find a man during their fertile years) or unmarried/never married (because they were poor decision makers or couldn’t get the father to marry them).
  • Dependent on child support with other forms of government assistance.
  • Dependent on welfare and/or other forms of government assistance.
  • Lower socioeconomic status.
  • Uneducated, with the highest education level as some high school, a high school diploma, GED or some college credit.
  • At risk for chronic illnesses and diseases later in life.
  • Poor judge of character and poor decision makers.
  • Sufferers of mental illnesses, drug addictions or relationship addictions.
  • Chronically exhausted and prone to drama and instability.
  • Viewed as less desirable to date.
  • Other character flaws that have led to their current circumstances.
  • Contributors of the breakdown in traditional family values.
MTV's 16 & Pregnant Show- Jenelle

MTV’s 16 & Pregnant Show- Jenelle

If you Google “single mother” and click on the news element, some of the headlines look like:

  1. Single Mothers at Risk for Poorer Health Later in Life
  2. After East Village Fire, Internet Helps Single Mom Of 3 Who Lost Everything
  3. 7 Invaluable Love Lessons From Single Moms
  4. Single Mother Who Worked For Brink’s Says She Was Fired for Participating in ‘Fight for 15′ Protests
  5. Terminally Ill Single Mother From Santa Clarita Sues for Right to Die in California
  6. Single Motherhood, in Decline Over All, Rises for Women 35 and Older

I noticed a few trends:

1.) The distinction of “single mom” headlines versus the “mom” without marital status in the headlines were meant to elicit sympathy, empathy, pity, a call to action or a similar emotion.

2.) Personal stories/anecdotes of single mother’s in the news had a overcoming adversity, positive, strength-building or character-building tone.

3.) Personal stories/anecdotes of single mothers who opted to parent by choice were older, highly educated and of higher socioeconomic class and the tone was more neutral or positive than articles of single mothers by circumstance.

4.) Studies on single mothers had a subtle, negative tone that seem to reinforce social stigma. Authors make assumptions in the first article: “Single motherhood is associated with poverty in most societies, but more so in the USA than in Europe,” the authors explain. “This may lead to different mechanisms of selection into lone motherhood between countries. Particularly in Southern European countries, strong social and family networks may offset some negative effects of single motherhood.”

So here’s my conflict: Should we be talking about “motherhood” or “parenting” rather than “single motherhood”? There are obvious differences from a married mother and a single mother, but when it comes to the basic foundations of child rearing and parenting, why do we need to assign marital status?

Playing the devil’s advocate: Is it still relevant to use the term “single mother” so that we can connect with other like-minded individuals with similar experiences?

I’m not suggesting that one term is better than the others, but rather hoping other bloggers have some insights to the question:

“Single Mom” Vocabulary: Harmful, Helpful Or Just Fact?

What Do You Think About Multi Colored Hair?

I often dye my hair a few shades darker than my natural dark brown. Not quite black, but close. In my mind, it accentuates my olive complexion. On my last visit to the beauty salon, my hair stylist asked if I wanted to refresh my look with some colorful low lights like blue or purple. Since I work a 9 – 5 job, I wasn’t keen on a new, more daring look.

Some of my friends have jumped on the colorful hair bandwagon with red highlights but nothing too crazy.

Katy Perry In Blue

I see the mult-color hair trend as perfect for celebrities interested in reinventing their look or on the covers of a glossy teen/college magazine.

I’m Not A Checklist

I was chatting with a guy that seemed to have a promising personality- a gentleman and interesting. We escalated to WhatsApp within a week and found shared interests. Soon, he asked me out for Friday, but not before sizing up. In rapid-fire style, this guy asked me the following questions:

1.) Do you have higher education?

My answer: Yes, I’m in grad school.

His answer: Good. I’m Yale ’03 and Harvard Business School ’13.

2.) What’s you background?

My answer: WASP-y father and Jewish mother.

His Answer: Good. Jewish on both sides.

3.) Do you want more children?

My answer: Too soon to tell.

His answer: I’m not trying to chase shiny objects on the lawn. I mean, I do want children.

My answer: Well we haven’t even gone out yet!

His answer: I like to cover things ASAP. I find that many people don’t like late disclosure of things known all along.

I refused to answer this question. The honest truth is that I don’t know, it depends. But my main point is why even date and get to know someone romantically if you are going through a list? There are TOO many variables that may change my mind or actions in the future. My current life’s path isn’t solely defined by my future life’s path- it may change. I respect that he wants biological children, however I’m just trying to get through the days as a good parent with the one I have. Also, this is a better question asked in person.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time either, but people rarely find a partner based on a check list because a person’s character shouldn’t be defined by a set of “asks.” Unless he wants to get married tomorrow (which there are plenty of girls out there who want that) I advised him to take things slow. Dating is a risk of your time, effort and resources. If you’re not willing to take the risk, then don’t date! I have practically no time or resources to date, but I take a risk every time I do. In my mind, so should the guy who is interested.

Any thoughts?

The Half-Brothers I Never Really Knew And The Power Of “No”

My half-brothers are in town visiting my dad. After I pick up Andrew, the plan is to go have dinner with the family.

A difficult question bubbled up from my mom on Friday. She wanted me to spend the weekend with everyone after my Saturday class. She asked, “Why don’t you make you dad happy and spend some time with the guys after your class?”

I had already agreed to Sunday dinner. And to be clear, I don’t really have a relationship with my half-brothers. We don’t call on each others birthdays and we never grew up together. In fact, for ten years, my brother’s were virtually estranged from my family.

Now that I am an adult and a single mother, working full time and attending graduate school, I have very FEW moments to myself. I cherish the time I do have every other weekend to take care of my soul and pursue the things that make me happy within the 48 hours twice a month- even if it is as simple as an hour at the gym and a moment to write or decompress from the week at the nail salon. Between guilt and perceived family “obligations,” I am unapologetic with “me” time. If my brothers had picked a weekend when I had Andrew, I’m sure I would be writing a very different post.

The point I’m trying to make is that mothers, single or not, who dedicate their precious free time to make others happy or comfortable are doing a disservice to themselves. Our culture encourages the ideal that once you are a mother, you must sacrifice, sacrifice and sacrifice almost all of your time for the “good” of your children. I believe quality time, not the quantity of time is what’s important.

Sometimes, we need to embrace the power of saying “No” and make our mental and emotional well-being a priority.