I started this blog with every intention on “owning” my single motherhood. I found it difficult (and still find it difficult) to label myself as a single mother because of all the social stigmas that say single mothers are women with the following attributes (some of which are based on credible and non-credible statistics, studies or outdated, but long-held beliefs):
- Divorced (because they couldn’t keep a man), single mother-by-choice (because they couldn’t find a man during their fertile years) or unmarried/never married (because they were poor decision makers or couldn’t get the father to marry them).
- Dependent on child support with other forms of government assistance.
- Dependent on welfare and/or other forms of government assistance.
- Lower socioeconomic status.
- Uneducated, with the highest education level as some high school, a high school diploma, GED or some college credit.
- At risk for chronic illnesses and diseases later in life.
- Poor judge of character and poor decision makers.
- Sufferers of mental illnesses, drug addictions or relationship addictions.
- Chronically exhausted and prone to drama and instability.
- Viewed as less desirable to date.
- Other character flaws that have led to their current circumstances.
- Contributors of the breakdown in traditional family values.
If you Google “single mother” and click on the news element, some of the headlines look like:
- Single Mothers at Risk for Poorer Health Later in Life
- After East Village Fire, Internet Helps Single Mom Of 3 Who Lost Everything
- 7 Invaluable Love Lessons From Single Moms
- Single Mother Who Worked For Brink’s Says She Was Fired for Participating in ‘Fight for 15′ Protests
- Terminally Ill Single Mother From Santa Clarita Sues for Right to Die in California
- Single Motherhood, in Decline Over All, Rises for Women 35 and Older
I noticed a few trends:
1.) The distinction of “single mom” headlines versus the “mom” without marital status in the headlines were meant to elicit sympathy, empathy, pity, a call to action or a similar emotion.
2.) Personal stories/anecdotes of single mother’s in the news had a overcoming adversity, positive, strength-building or character-building tone.
3.) Personal stories/anecdotes of single mothers who opted to parent by choice were older, highly educated and of higher socioeconomic class and the tone was more neutral or positive than articles of single mothers by circumstance.
4.) Studies on single mothers had a subtle, negative tone that seem to reinforce social stigma. Authors make assumptions in the first article: “Single motherhood is associated with poverty in most societies, but more so in the USA than in Europe,” the authors explain. “This may lead to different mechanisms of selection into lone motherhood between countries. Particularly in Southern European countries, strong social and family networks may offset some negative effects of single motherhood.”
So here’s my conflict: Should we be talking about “motherhood” or “parenting” rather than “single motherhood”? There are obvious differences from a married mother and a single mother, but when it comes to the basic foundations of child rearing and parenting, why do we need to assign marital status?
Playing the devil’s advocate: Is it still relevant to use the term “single mother” so that we can connect with other like-minded individuals with similar experiences?
I’m not suggesting that one term is better than the others, but rather hoping other bloggers have some insights to the question:
“Single Mom” Vocabulary: Harmful, Helpful Or Just Fact?