Online Dating Troll Of The Week: Douche McDoucherson

After talking to a pretty attractive guy for a few days, he asked me out this weekend. I was pretty strapped for time so I suggested next Friday. He came back saying he was going to a wedding next week. He hounded me for a coffee date all weekend (which I hate!) but promised it would be no longer than an hour.

Because he was pretty attractive in his pictures and my day plans with my mother were postponed, I agreed to meet for coffee at 11:00 a.m.

Online troll Douche

I woke up a little early to blow dry my hair and get ready. At 10:50 am, I was 5 minutes away from our location. I received a text from Douche McDoucherson stating he’d be there in 45. Not seconds. 45 MINUTES.

I had practically arrived and then immediately turned around.

Me: Ok. Afraid I don’t have the time, unfortunately.

Him: Ok. Yeah, sorry about that but I thought my car was at my place, but it’s at work.

Great. He was either hung over from the night before and forgot where he parked his car OR he was lying to see how long I’d wait (PUA/red pill tactic) OR a piss poor planner OR all of the above. I didn’t respond.

Who has time to wait 45 minutes for their date to show up?!

Since my free time is precious, I treat other people’s time as important too. Oh and did I mention the man is 36? He’s a little too old for this shit in my opinion (some arrested development going on). A precursor to why he’s still single?

I NEVER wait more than 15 minutes for my dates. If a guy doesn’t value your time enough to show up on the first date, marginally on time, it’s foreshadowing other dates to come. Since this guy and I never went out on a date, he’s now one of my lovely Online Dating Trolls Of The Week and deserves a big, fat NEXT–>.

Online Dating Don’ts For The Guys

A second wave of online dating messages crowd my inbox, because, as well all know, spring ushers in the mating-season mentality. Everyone comes out of hibernation from old relationships and break ups.

This post is largely targeted to my male counterparts looking for a date, a relationship, or something causal. Let’s just call it a little bit of friendly advice for those that really need it.

  1.  Picture Don’ts:
  • Blurry Faces. Stop blurring your face out of shots. It definitely let’s me know you’re married, in a relationship, about to divorce or a serial rapist/killer. It’s shady. And no, I will not send you my email address to receive your “real” pictures.OnlineDating Don't.png
  • Mirror Selfies. In fact, stay away from mirrors. Especially hotel bathroom mirrors. It conjures the image of you taking a shit while you wait for a sexy liaison with a hooker.
  • Distance Shots. If I have to squint to see you hovering on a large rock because you’re a thrill seeker, how will I even recognize you when we meet?
  • Gaggle of Girls. I know it really boosts your ego to be in a crowd among attractive women, but it won’t win you points with me. It means: PLAYER. And I hate both the “player” and the “game.”
  • Zoolander Face. You know how annoying it is to see girls doing the kiss-y face in every photo? Well the pursed lips, Zoolander equivalent is even worse.
  • Gym Pics. There’s something so sad and narcissistic about a guy who pauses after his dead lift to take a selfie (and thereby snapping a picture of innocent gym goers behind him).
  • Double Fisting Drinks. Screams alcoholism, binge drinking and lack of impulse control. Not a good look.
  • Tattoo Photo Montage. Look, I’m glad you’re proud of your tats, but honestly, no one cares about the snake and cross bones on your lower back. Is it trampy? I don’t know. We’ll definitely be the judge.
  • Body Parts. Ugh. If I see another headless torso shot, I think I might dry heave.
  • No Picture. This seems like a ploy to catch a cheating girlfriend. Also see Blurry Faces. OnlinedatingDont2

2. Message Don’ts:

  • The Sick. If you’re looking for a fling, fine, but at least look at my profile first to see if I list that as well. Messaging about what you’d like to do to me is a one-way train to BLOCK (example: I’d love to drip hot wax on your…).
  • The Strange. I get it, opening up conversation can be rough. Asking me which of the Power Rangers I embody is a cute, interesting conversation starter. Asking me which of the Power Rangers I’d rather marry, murder or mate with is CREEPY.
  • The Machismo. WE GET IT. You’re hot. You clearly are letting me know you’re hot. Saying things like “Congratulations! I’ve chosen you as a potential dater. If we share the same interests in our chat, you should meet for a drink this Wednesday,” is at the very least, presumptuous and a douche move.
  • The Long-Winded. I just plain won’t read your novel. You may have taken an hour to write it, spell check and re-read for grammar mistakes, but chances are I will read the first three sentences and fall into a comatose state of information overload. That’s why people go on dates- to learn and discover if they have mutual interests. A pithy, cute opener goes a long way towards actual interaction.
  • The Template. Also known as the Cookie Cutter or Reply All message. Women are becoming very adept at weeding out messages that appear to be sent to 200 others simultaneously. How do we know this? There’s not one mention of our interests from our profile and usually goes like this “Hey! So I have a very unusual request…” Check…mate.
  • The One Word. Dude, stop being lazy. No matter how many emoticons you stick beside the “Hi,” it really doesn’t peek my interest. Nor does “Beautiful” or “Sexy” for that matter.

3. Profile Dont’s:

  • Writing Nothing. If you don’t spend the time to even create a summary you’re either shallow and rest on your picture’s laurels, lazy, looking for an instant hook-up or all three.
  • Blame. Saying that you’re not sure about online dating because your heart was broken a million times sounds desperate. And sad. And like I will give you a hug and then leave when you’re a pile of mushy, sobbing mess.
  • Long Listicles. See “The Long-Winded” section.
  • Poems. I kid you not, I’ve come across a few guys who include poems in their summary.
  • All About The Shallow. I’ll lead with an example. The first paragraph in the summary read as follows, “I’m looking for a cool girl to chill with. You and I will click if you’re not superficial, a stage 1-5 clinger, mentally unstable, or need a pound of make up smeared on your face before leaving the house.”
  • Accomplishment Whore. That’s why they invented LinkedIn. Need I say more?

4. Username Dont’s:

  • The list is too long, so I’ll give some examples of less savory usernames (all are real):

– Gettin-itIN54!

-wearetantric-godz666999

-Grandpajoey000

-simpleusername101

-prettyinNylons77

-purebred1978

-mediocurename3

-SexPahlese!