You Need Coffee When You’re a Parent and…


  1. Your son throws a tantrum to get into the bathroom when you’re still taking a morning poo.
  2. You find a full diaper wedged against the crib and wall.
  3. You no longer smell the difference between “dog odor” and “baby vomit.”
  4. You’re pulling out a fresh crop of white hair on your head (and you know it will grow back in six weeks).
  5. Your toe nails resemble talons (add pedicure to your check list).
  6. Your to-do lists are scribbled on every receipt, envelope, and scrap of paper available.
  7. You find a new scuff on your car without knowledge of how it got there.
  8. You find Gerber cereal in your bra.
  9. You find Gerber cereal in your purse.
  10. Your hamper is buried under three piles of dirty clothes.
  11. Your son used superhuman strength to detach the shower knob.
  12. Your drain has a rubber ducky gurgling.
  13. Your car is your son’s second closet for socks…
  14. And all of his socks are mismatched.
  15. Your daycare provider shoots you a pained expression at drop-off.
  16. Your mother’s daily call starts with, “How’s the baby?” not “How are you?”
  17. Your friends are buying you new clothes without question.
  18. You’re crying because you never filled out your pregnancy memory book.
  19. Your dad begins his weekly call with “How’s the baby? I read this article…”
  20. Your email inbox is maxed out and you haven’t had your first cup of the day.

2 thoughts on “You Need Coffee When You’re a Parent and…

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