Because sending a duplicate message to the same woman every month WILL increase your odds of a response…
I’ve been seeing a guy I used to date four years ago. Let’s call him Repeat. I broke up with Repeat in 2011 because I couldn’t see anything long term. We literally had only one thing in common *wink*. He loves watching sports- I’d rather have a root canal. He loves to travel- the idea of jet setting 24/7 makes me queasy. I like to read, write and express myself- he hasn’t read a book since it was mandatory in college.
The point is, we both agreed we’ll never be serious. Quite frankly, I have no time to have anything other than fun until I graduate my masters program.
Last weekend, we had a good time at a wine bar, which led to the inevitable. Repeat promptly asked for a follow-up date for this weekend. I agreed. He had to babysit his brother’s kids on Saturday night, so I offered to come over with board games and keep him company after the kiddos scampered off to bed.
So, last Friday came and went. No text or phone call. That’s okay, I reasoned. We already had plans, right? Saturday in class, not one text to confirm plans. So, I did what I almost never do- tried to confirm via text. He skirted the issue and mentioned he was at a baseball game that would end at 10pm.
To me, that sounded like a flake move. I resolved to make other plans with friends. At 11pm, I received this message:
“Hey, I finished up a little late here. Still down to come over?”
Doesn’t that sound like a booty call? It did to me, so I didn’t respond.
So, my fellow bloggers- Who’s the flake?
Dan arrived five minutes early and sat at the bar. It wasn’t too crowded at 8:00 pm. He looked a little older than his pictures, which I chalked up to him posting earlier pictures on the site.
He greeted me with a “Wow, you look great!” and a brief hug.
Although Dan is attractive, I still didn’t feel that instant chemistry. I had hoped that would change with time.
We grabbed Mexican-style drinks at the bar and moved to a table. Our conversation was slightly forced. His texting style was more verbose and fluid. Not what I was expecting.
After the idle chit chat about our kids and jobs we sat amused by a couple fighting at the bar. Newly engaged with a sparkling diamond on her ring finger, the girl was berating her drunk boyfriend about “having to deal with you.” His grand, drunken hand gestures only seemed to infuriate her more.
Dan and I decided to move to another bar and things became slightly more interesting. I remember discussions about our dreams and shared desire to not have more children. We also talked shop in our shared fields which was interesting.
Dan seemed to think our chemistry was in sync. I’m still not feeling it.
I’m willing to give it one last try. For all and intents and purposes, was a pretty banal date.
After talking to a pretty attractive guy for a few days, he asked me out this weekend. I was pretty strapped for time so I suggested next Friday. He came back saying he was going to a wedding next week. He hounded me for a coffee date all weekend (which I hate!) but promised it would be no longer than an hour.
Because he was pretty attractive in his pictures and my day plans with my mother were postponed, I agreed to meet for coffee at 11:00 a.m.
I woke up a little early to blow dry my hair and get ready. At 10:50 am, I was 5 minutes away from our location. I received a text from Douche McDoucherson stating he’d be there in 45. Not seconds. 45 MINUTES.
I had practically arrived and then immediately turned around.
Me: Ok. Afraid I don’t have the time, unfortunately.
Him: Ok. Yeah, sorry about that but I thought my car was at my place, but it’s at work.
Great. He was either hung over from the night before and forgot where he parked his car OR he was lying to see how long I’d wait (PUA/red pill tactic) OR a piss poor planner OR all of the above. I didn’t respond.
Who has time to wait 45 minutes for their date to show up?!
Since my free time is precious, I treat other people’s time as important too. Oh and did I mention the man is 36? He’s a little too old for this shit in my opinion (some arrested development going on). A precursor to why he’s still single?
I NEVER wait more than 15 minutes for my dates. If a guy doesn’t value your time enough to show up on the first date, marginally on time, it’s foreshadowing other dates to come. Since this guy and I never went out on a date, he’s now one of my lovely Online Dating Trolls Of The Week and deserves a big, fat NEXT–>.
Taking a break from some of my more “intellectual” posts on society, this post is a nice segway to the date I have planned on Saturday. He’s a single dad I’ll call sapiosexual (someone attracted to intelligence) based on our common interests. We’ve been chatting for weeks but our hectic schedules have yet to align until this weekend.
- Probably smarter than me. He’s what I call an uber-intellectual because every text message is a psycho-analysis of our discussion. It’s clear he’s pretty self aware.
- He does not look like a guy in his 30s. At first I thought he’d be too young at around 24 or 23. He has a lovely baby-face.
- Tall and attractive. Oh how I hope this is true on Saturday.
- Independent and lives alone. After my last boyfriend, I’m happy he’s not living with a mentally unhinged female roommate. No drama please.
- Very committed to his family. He called me when he came back from upstate New York to care for his ailing mom.
- Single dad. I love that he has 50/50 time with his child. He totally gets me.
- Digital marketing specialist. We can talk shop!
- He offered to get a babysitter since it’s his weekend. Oh gosh, I’m in love!
- He works in the same area I work. Convenient.
- He lives an hour away. Dating logistics are not in our favor.
- LONNNNGGG, lengthy text messages. I’m more of a logistics texter. His texts over share and ooze emotion.
- I’m not immediately attracted to his pictures in an animal-esque way, but then again, I’m better in person too.
I’m also talking to another guy in his mid-30’s who is incredibly attractive but I’ve been kind of burned out on the dating scene and haven’t offered a time to meet.
This is one area in my life I don’t mind taking my time.
I was chatting with a guy that seemed to have a promising personality- a gentleman and interesting. We escalated to WhatsApp within a week and found shared interests. Soon, he asked me out for Friday, but not before sizing up. In rapid-fire style, this guy asked me the following questions:
1.) Do you have higher education?
My answer: Yes, I’m in grad school.
His answer: Good. I’m Yale ’03 and Harvard Business School ’13.
2.) What’s you background?
My answer: WASP-y father and Jewish mother.
His Answer: Good. Jewish on both sides.
3.) Do you want more children?
My answer: Too soon to tell.
His answer: I’m not trying to chase shiny objects on the lawn. I mean, I do want children.
My answer: Well we haven’t even gone out yet!
His answer: I like to cover things ASAP. I find that many people don’t like late disclosure of things known all along.
I refused to answer this question. The honest truth is that I don’t know, it depends. But my main point is why even date and get to know someone romantically if you are going through a list? There are TOO many variables that may change my mind or actions in the future. My current life’s path isn’t solely defined by my future life’s path- it may change. I respect that he wants biological children, however I’m just trying to get through the days as a good parent with the one I have. Also, this is a better question asked in person.
I don’t want to waste anyone’s time either, but people rarely find a partner based on a check list because a person’s character shouldn’t be defined by a set of “asks.” Unless he wants to get married tomorrow (which there are plenty of girls out there who want that) I advised him to take things slow. Dating is a risk of your time, effort and resources. If you’re not willing to take the risk, then don’t date! I have practically no time or resources to date, but I take a risk every time I do. In my mind, so should the guy who is interested.
I believe that if you can’t take your own advice, better that you don’t give any at all. If your curious as to what outcome independence is, you can back-track here.
So without further adieu, here’s the cool-aid (I’m the blue bubble):
Before you cry foul over my “game” playing, I did make plans for dinner with a friend of mine on Thursday. Although he intimated that he was too busy to make concrete plans, he must have forgotten that I can see when he checks out my online dating profile- which he proceeded to do every morning for three days straight.
Dating Troll or Dating Clueless? You decide.
I heard this phrase “outcome independence” in reference to men and dating. This is one of the few times I won’t attribute the writer because at his core, he is a misogynist and I don’t make a habit of driving traffic to chauvinistic websites. To his credit, he is one of the milder offenders.
As a single mother, I think he has a stunningly good idea. His use of “outcome independence” reflects his ideals supporting open-relationships, which I disagree, however the term refers to a particular mindset. If single women, particularly single mothers, devote their time, energy and resources to one person without any type of ACTION-oriented commitment, chances are this arrangement will go badly for the time-strapped single mom. To be “outcome independent” is to carry a mindset of “whatever be will be” to any perceived commitment- it provides accountability towards ACTION rather than WORDS.
So what does that exactly mean? Living your life with a focused mission of happiness and getting rid of baggage that is a time waster or is inefficient. Some scenarios will illustrate:
- Single mom of two, Betty, has been talking online to a few guys. One she happens to like asks for her number. She obliges and he proceeds to text her plans for a date. They both agree to a location for Friday night. Betty has a birthday party to attend, but assures her prospective date that they can meet for drinks after. He agrees, promising to text her the time. Friday morning rolls around and her Prince #1 hasn’t texted her. Should she text him a reminder? Start conversation by asking about his day? Maybe he forgot because he isn’t a great scheduler?
Nope. To be outcome independent, Betty should go ahead with her original plans as if she never made date plans in the first place. She is letting the natural ebb and flow of dating take place. If he never follows up, chances are he had no intention of meeting her and is now an official TIME SUCK of her precious energy. She only commits energy to action, not promises.
- Recently divorced and working mom, Candace, met a man while grocery shopping. They exchange numbers and he promised to call. After three days, Prince #2 does call after work. They have one of the most engaging and interesting conversations she has ever had with the opposite sex. She feels that her faith in men is on its way to restoration! For the next week, Prince #2 calls to talk every day and they make plans to meet for coffee one weekend when her ex-husband has the kids. The fateful day arrives and as Candace is getting ready, she gets a phone call from Prince #2. His tire is flat and has to reschedule. Bummer! They make plans for lunch that following week. As the week drags on, they continue to talk like before, however Candace notices Prince #2 is exceedingly busy and can’t meet for lunch as promised, but asks for her to get a babysitter instead for a date night. Should Candace take initiative and get the babysitter? Her neighbor loves babysitting her kids and often does so in a pinch!
Absolutely NOT. As engaging as Prince #2 seems, he fails to realize or acknowledge that Candace is a very busy individual too. She is practically jumping hoops to see him. His first cancellation may have been genuine, however his failures to meet for lunch are telling. Prince #2 likes the “girlfriend experience” of talking to Candace in an intimate way, but when rubber meets the road, he isn’t committing energy to getting to know her as his glib pronouncements may indicate. To maintain “outcome independence,” Candace shrugs, stops participating in their two hour chat sessions and gets on a dating service post-haste!
- Single mom of three, Katie, is not that interested in dating. She is tired most of the time and her ex isn’t the most dependable person. After over a year of celibacy, Katie is finally persuaded by her friends to meet a single father for a blind date. She meets him and they have an initial spark. He mentions on the end of the date that he would like to see her the following weekend. She agrees and calls her mom to babysit the kids overnight. Her mom obliges because she can’t remember the last time her daughter went out on a date! Prince #3 meets her at a comedy club and they have a great time! She spends the night at his house. Before she leaves to go home, he begs to see her again when the kids are at her ex’s house. She agrees. The week goes by. She’s sure he’ll call. He doesn’t. At the end of the weekend, Prince #3 finally calls and acts like nothing is amiss. Should Katie demand what happened? After all, she cleared her schedule for the weekend!
At this point, you’re probably saying NO! If Katie was truly outcome independent, she would have called her girlfriends and planned a night out. If and when Prince #3 called, he would have to work himself into her busy schedule. Katie would have remained free to enjoy her weekend to the fullest and if Prince #3 was lucky, he’d have the opportunity to see her.
I write this post is after reading other sad stories of single mothers and dating- they are stood up, pushed to the back-burner, or jump through hoops to get a date. This should NOT be happening. Once you let go of dating expectations, that’s when a man worthy of dating will come around and respect your independence, autonomy, time, energy and limited resources.
Stay independent ladies!
I believe that what you push out to the universe is what you get back- a kind of, “you reap what you sow,” mentality.
Tomorrow I have a rebound date. No, no, no, I’m not talking about anything NSFW. Once you get off the dating path, the best idea is to get back on the horse.
How many cliches do you think I can squeeze out of a rock today?
So, in that same vein, I’m going on a date with a guy who is VERY funny, but definitely someone who won’t go the long haul. All I’m looking for right now is a couple of laughs over a brew and glass of wine. Nothing more and nothing less.
So, wish me luck that it’s not a complete wash or dating dud.
P.S. I counted 7 cliches. I’m on a roll! Oops that’s eight…