An Amazing Dinner With A Cameo From Lizzy The Roommate Who Is A Little Bit Crazy

I’m a little late, as usual, while I drive almost a half an hour away in Friday afternoon traffic. My make-up is nearly perfect but I am a little disappointed in my outfit. My apartment is a little bit of a wreck right now- a variable clothes explosion- I couldn’t find the outfit I was going to wear to save my life!

I pull up to his house, effortlessly yuppie with a well-manicured lawn, and hear Hipster’s music blasting from the window in the kitchen.

The screen door was propped open, inviting me in.

“Helloooo?” I called.

A half balding, older man popped his head in the hallway, “Hiya. Come on in.”

I walked into the kitchen and was greeted by Liz, a very petite blonde in ass-hugging jeggings, a white blouse, nude pumps and a white Chanel handbag.

“Hi I’m Liz,” she said and shook my hand.

So far so good. The three of them were downing moderately priced champagne. It was a bit early for me to drink so I nursed the glass while Liz went about the kitchen tidying (it was already immaculately clean). Poor Hipster looked agitated at the roommate and boyfriend intrusion.

Liz certainly didn’t get the hint and made herself at home on a bar stool.

“So Penny. Tell me about yourself.”

“What would you like to know?” I asked pleasantly.

“Hipster tells me you’re a single mom. So like do you have baby daddy drama? Are you friendly? Do you guys talk? Were you ever married? Do you miss your kid on weekends?”

I kid you not, this woman asked about 20 inappropriate questions in one breath.

I’m not the kind of woman to divulge my life’s story after knowing a person for five minutes, so I answered some of the more mundane questions.

She then went on to tell me about her impending divorce to a man 15 years older (in his fifties) who was a psychopath and a sex addict. I then learned she was trying to settle for spousal support and the house but the divorce process had taken two years.

“Do you ever want to get married? Was your pregnancy planned? Why don’t you and your ex talk? Even to co-parent?” she kept yammering.

After about an hour and a half of interrogation, I wasn’t sure that I liked this woman. She acted like someone who snorted too much Adderall, running around the house, chasing her dogs.

Finally she and her boyfriend left. I was relieved. Hipster went on to plate our first dish: perfectly cooked gnocchi with pickled artichokes, asparagus and a pesto sauce. The second course was even better: seared scallops on a bed of cauliflower puree (tasting surprisingly nutty) and sun dried tomatoes with flecks of bacon. The first two courses were so big that neither of us could stomach the other three he planned to cook. The desserts were cheese plates, delicious mulberry jam and chocolate-covered, fresh coconut.

We had amazing conversation, plenty of wine and those “come-hither” glances you see in movies. No more than two hours later, Lizzy and her boyfriend came home to make yet another cameo, drunker than before.

The two of them plopped down next to us and restarted our previous conversation. Liz rambled on about her female and male houseplant’s love connection (?!) and said things like “I know we probably shouldn’t be friends, but I think we will be,” “You should bring over your son next time- I love to babysit!” and “you have an intimidating type of style” because I wore black and white and dark makeup.

Our night ended after WE excused ourselves to Hipster’s room. I’m not quite sold on this chick, but their body language didn’t portray any hint of a past, romantic relationship.

At the end of the night, I am happy to report that we are now exclusive :-).

Should I give her the benefit of the doubt and loosen up or is something somewhat unhinged?

Out And About With The Hot Hipster Circa 1997

I was fifteen minutes late. The Uber driver was creeping on back roads at 10 miles per hour. The Hipster was waiting outside of the bar in his parking space. I had waited all week to wear my cute new mid-drift shirt with a long, body-hugging skirt and laced-up black pumps.

He saw me and walked across the highway wearing a dress jacket, T-shirt, thick black framed glasses and a scarf with yesterday’s gruff. He was the perfect display of San- Fran hippie and I loved his style.

He greeted me pleasantly with a hug and a quick “Nice to meet you.”

“Have you been waiting long?” I asked. I hate keeping people waiting.

“Only since 4:00 p.m.,” he joked. “I like to get a head start.”

We found a place at the bar and immediately I was struck by how gorgeous he was. His pictures definitely didn’t do him justice.

“So did I catfish you?” I asked. Our text messages that week were about his catfish experiences and since it’s hard to find me online, he was worried about a repeat.

“No,” he said. “You are absolutely stunning.”

I liked him instantly.

I was besotted by his intensely passionate energy. He was a smooth talker for sure, but not in a creepy, player kind of way. His eyes were authentic. His hand movements and gestures were excited.

We drank at the bar until I spied an open table and he pounced on it. To be honest, I wanted to have some space between us so he wouldn’t keep touching my leg- too intimate and sexual for a first meeting.

I always like to swap stories about online dating horrors- they’re always good ice breakers. He regaled me in his recent catfish story about a date with a women who was ten years older than her profile stated and with an ass the size of a “table.”

The Hipster kept asking me “what’s my story?” meaning he wanted the details of my ex-fiancee and so called “baby daddy.” I wasn’t too keen on getting into the particulars- it sounds crazy when I tell it aloud and it’s not really first date material. He backed off but told me he was divorced two years, co-parents well with his ex and is a very hands-on dad. He owns a catering company that allows him to work the hours he wants and spend ample time with his kid. I found it very refreshing. He’s also somewhat of a relator maverick, working his way to getting his real estate license and dabbling in selling property.

However, there were some potential red flags:

  • He lives with a female roommate in a six bedroom home who once tried to date him (He swore he never slept with her, however I’m not so sure…)
  • He seems to have few boundaries with his ex (they’re best friends…could she be the jealous type? We’ll see).
  • He is a bit materialistic. He kept talking about his passion to manifest wealth and interest in personal style and having nice things. I’m not really of that mindset. I think modesty and balance is best.
  • He’s somewhat of a cross between conservative and libertarian. I’m a moderate liberal, so we will probably disagree about most things political.
  • He was exceptionally forthcoming about his manic-depressive traits. My ex is borderline, possibly anti-social and it was hell, so I date The Hipster with hesitation.

The night ended with him driving me home. I wouldn’t let him come up because I knew we might sleep together and that’s really not in my best interest right now. I’m not looking to hit-it-and-quit-it at this juncture in my life. But we did sit in his car for an hour just kissing, which was a nice departure for me because I’m not much of a make-out chick. He was an EXCELLENT kisser.

We have plans for lunch later this week since I have no free time for the ten days. Updates to come…

Online Dating Don’ts For The Guys

A second wave of online dating messages crowd my inbox, because, as well all know, spring ushers in the mating-season mentality. Everyone comes out of hibernation from old relationships and break ups.

This post is largely targeted to my male counterparts looking for a date, a relationship, or something causal. Let’s just call it a little bit of friendly advice for those that really need it.

  1.  Picture Don’ts:
  • Blurry Faces. Stop blurring your face out of shots. It definitely let’s me know you’re married, in a relationship, about to divorce or a serial rapist/killer. It’s shady. And no, I will not send you my email address to receive your “real” pictures.OnlineDating Don't.png
  • Mirror Selfies. In fact, stay away from mirrors. Especially hotel bathroom mirrors. It conjures the image of you taking a shit while you wait for a sexy liaison with a hooker.
  • Distance Shots. If I have to squint to see you hovering on a large rock because you’re a thrill seeker, how will I even recognize you when we meet?
  • Gaggle of Girls. I know it really boosts your ego to be in a crowd among attractive women, but it won’t win you points with me. It means: PLAYER. And I hate both the “player” and the “game.”
  • Zoolander Face. You know how annoying it is to see girls doing the kiss-y face in every photo? Well the pursed lips, Zoolander equivalent is even worse.
  • Gym Pics. There’s something so sad and narcissistic about a guy who pauses after his dead lift to take a selfie (and thereby snapping a picture of innocent gym goers behind him).
  • Double Fisting Drinks. Screams alcoholism, binge drinking and lack of impulse control. Not a good look.
  • Tattoo Photo Montage. Look, I’m glad you’re proud of your tats, but honestly, no one cares about the snake and cross bones on your lower back. Is it trampy? I don’t know. We’ll definitely be the judge.
  • Body Parts. Ugh. If I see another headless torso shot, I think I might dry heave.
  • No Picture. This seems like a ploy to catch a cheating girlfriend. Also see Blurry Faces. OnlinedatingDont2

2. Message Don’ts:

  • The Sick. If you’re looking for a fling, fine, but at least look at my profile first to see if I list that as well. Messaging about what you’d like to do to me is a one-way train to BLOCK (example: I’d love to drip hot wax on your…).
  • The Strange. I get it, opening up conversation can be rough. Asking me which of the Power Rangers I embody is a cute, interesting conversation starter. Asking me which of the Power Rangers I’d rather marry, murder or mate with is CREEPY.
  • The Machismo. WE GET IT. You’re hot. You clearly are letting me know you’re hot. Saying things like “Congratulations! I’ve chosen you as a potential dater. If we share the same interests in our chat, you should meet for a drink this Wednesday,” is at the very least, presumptuous and a douche move.
  • The Long-Winded. I just plain won’t read your novel. You may have taken an hour to write it, spell check and re-read for grammar mistakes, but chances are I will read the first three sentences and fall into a comatose state of information overload. That’s why people go on dates- to learn and discover if they have mutual interests. A pithy, cute opener goes a long way towards actual interaction.
  • The Template. Also known as the Cookie Cutter or Reply All message. Women are becoming very adept at weeding out messages that appear to be sent to 200 others simultaneously. How do we know this? There’s not one mention of our interests from our profile and usually goes like this “Hey! So I have a very unusual request…” Check…mate.
  • The One Word. Dude, stop being lazy. No matter how many emoticons you stick beside the “Hi,” it really doesn’t peek my interest. Nor does “Beautiful” or “Sexy” for that matter.

3. Profile Dont’s:

  • Writing Nothing. If you don’t spend the time to even create a summary you’re either shallow and rest on your picture’s laurels, lazy, looking for an instant hook-up or all three.
  • Blame. Saying that you’re not sure about online dating because your heart was broken a million times sounds desperate. And sad. And like I will give you a hug and then leave when you’re a pile of mushy, sobbing mess.
  • Long Listicles. See “The Long-Winded” section.
  • Poems. I kid you not, I’ve come across a few guys who include poems in their summary.
  • All About The Shallow. I’ll lead with an example. The first paragraph in the summary read as follows, “I’m looking for a cool girl to chill with. You and I will click if you’re not superficial, a stage 1-5 clinger, mentally unstable, or need a pound of make up smeared on your face before leaving the house.”
  • Accomplishment Whore. That’s why they invented LinkedIn. Need I say more?

4. Username Dont’s:

  • The list is too long, so I’ll give some examples of less savory usernames (all are real):

– Gettin-itIN54!

-wearetantric-godz666999

-Grandpajoey000

-simpleusername101

-prettyinNylons77

-purebred1978

-mediocurename3

-SexPahlese!

I Lied…Even The Good Ones Suck: The Two Hour Cancellation Notice

So I totally lied. The really great guy I was talking about:

Potential Date Alert: The Guy Who Loves Kids – How Refreshing!

He pretty much stood me up two hours before out date, citing a work emergency at 7 p.m. On a Friday. OOOOOHHHHKay. Douche:

Not actual picture

Not actual picture of the dating demon

He tried to reschedule. I told him that if he can’t even keep a first date, thanks, but no thanks.

My Online Dating Profile Is Kind of B*tchy

dating imageI have this 80/20 rule with my online dating profile. My intention is to repel the 80 percent of men who want a waif and attract the 20 percent that can handle my brassy demeanor.

I also don’t advertise that I’m a single mom. Before cry foul and fraud, let me tell you that I DO tell prospective dates I have a child on two conditions:

a.) they answer “yes” to the question of “Would you date someone with children from a previous relationship?”

b.) when they actually message me.

I feel like single mothers are put into the dating bottom of the barrel or are seen as easy “prey.” When I mentioned I had a kid in my profile, I got some REAL creepers and chauvinists. As soon as I took it out, it was like the dating gods welcomed me with more normal prospects (however, the creeps still fall between the cracks).

To give you an example of my bitchy profile, (verbatim) I can tell you it has piqued more suitors than repelled because my message inbox is at 98 percent even when I delete messages:

You should NOT message me if:

1.) You’re an alpha, sugar daddy, alcoholic, rage-o-holic, or PUA. Trying to evade detection is futile- I will know. Creepers with overly sexual profile names need not apply and an equally creepy opener will get a non-response.

2.) Your first message asks if I’m real.

3.) You’re a guy who posts inebriated or belligerent pictures that scream “Duuuuuuddde, that was an awesome night!” I’m sorry I even have to address this, but alas, it happens. Oh and wear a g*ddamn shirt and/or include your face in pictures. While we’re at it, don’t post a picture of you next to your ex girlfriend or an escort masquerading as your ex girlfriend.

Kind of bitchy, right? Exactly. I am giving my potential dates a lens into what they might be getting themselves into while telling them that I know about a few tricks in their book.

If I sound outlandish and demanding, then that’s what I’m going for. I need a man with a pair of brass balls and a sense of humor anyway. Intelligence to decipher my satire is also a must. Being tall is a bonus.

Textual Relationships

textI have a love-hate relationship with texting.

Actually, back-up, I have a love-hate relationship with the expectations of texting. I believe in setting healthy boundaries upfront.

My potential date prospect is kind of text-obsessed. Every few hours there is a text “check-in,” like “what are you doing?” “Hey doll,” or “Hope you stay warm in this chilly weather!”

For the record, I hate being called a doll, but that’s for another post.

I haven’t gone on a date with this guy, so checking in is pretty unnecessary. I stopped texting back after the “Hey doll” comment and resumed the next afternoon.

Why f*ck up the mystique of getting to know one another in authentic ways, like a date?

I can tell this guy wears his heart on his sleeve because his texts are fast paced, however, there’s no better way than to kill the romance by having a textual relationship.

He says he’s booked all week, which kind of sucks because Andrew is with his dad this weekend.

I want to say something like “why don’t we pick this conversation up on our first date?” but I’m afraid it’s a severe reaction in a virtual-obsessed culture.

To me, a predominant textual relationship means:

  • communicating via text every day
  • superficial conversations
  • asking the same questions repeatedly, like “How’s your day?” or “What are you up to?”
  • non-committal date plans
  • sharing picture memes
  • checking in
  • trying to establish a virtual “girlfriend experience” with long answers or complaints

So, what’s the best way to turn a textual relationship into a in-person relationship without seeming aloof or into game playing?